Well. I've had these random thoughts going through my head for... I guess awhile now.
My restless mind depriving me of sleep.
I can't help but wonder, what am I going to be like in 10 years?
I mean fuck, I'll be about to turn 30.
Will I be married?
Will I have a career?
Will I have accomplished any of the dreams and goals I have now?
Or will they be pushed aside for something new?
Will I have traveled as much as I want to?
Or will I still be stuck in this place?
I feel stupid wondering all this but I can't help it.
I even think about how I'll look back on the person I am now.
Will I think to myself "damn was I stupid"?
Will I regret things I've done?
Or will they ultimately make me a better, happier person?
Who the hell will I be?
You know what kills me the most?
The fact that I consciously know that no matter how many sleepless nights I have,
No matter how much I think, wonder, or try to figure all this out,
It's completely impossible for me to know until that day comes.
Yet, here I am.
God, I piss me off sometimes.
Does anyone else ever think like this?
But in reality, if you do, don't tell me.
I like thinking I'm the only one like this.
But does that make me selfish?
Cause I fucking hate selfish people.
I guess if it does, that also makes me a hypocrite.
Which sucks, cause I hate hypocrites as well.
Is that hypocritical of me?
Fuck I'm confusing myself.
Maybe I'll take all these random thoughts and scenarios that flow through my head and write a book or something one day.
In grade school I always wanted to be a writer, part of me still does
I have all these ideas, but never have the patience. Maybe in a few years I will find it?
I think it's funny when those Army commercials come on and ask "if your life was a movie, would anyone watch it?" or something like that.
I wouldn't want my life to be a movie, it's too cliche. Movies don't have the depth, most are purely for entertainment. I want my life to be a book. But not one of those shitty books that get made into a movie. Like one of those books you are forced to read in High School and hate (because honestly, no one likes being forced to do anything in High School) but then for some reason you end up reading it again in college or something and decide to pay more attention to it. Then it ends up changing your life.
Yeah, maybe in 10 years I'll be a writer?
I mean, I guess technically I'm a writer now.
I'm writing right now aren't I?
I write constantly, be it lyrics, poems, stories, or just stupid thoughts like this.
I guess 'technically' I can't be a writer, I don't get paid for it
Then again, I'd like to consider myself a musician, I don't get paid for that shit.
In a way isn't being a writer and musician one in the same?
At least for the majority of the stuff I listen to.
What appeals to me as a good song isn't how cool the guitar sounds or how catchy it is.
It's more about what it's telling you.
I guess that's what drove me to this whole punk rock thing.
It's not so much what you're doing, it's more what you're saying.
I like it that way.
It's funny, the majority of the time I hear people I look up to say "it's all about the music"
They're lying.
It's not about the music, it's about getting your point or story across.
It just so happens your point or story has been put to music.
Or maybe I'm wrong, and that's just me?
If that's true I don't know why they even say that, I guess that's just what people want to hear?
Maybe it makes them seem cooler, and if that's true I guess all anyone really is trying to do is to make people like them?
I don't know.
I don't really know what I'm thinking right now.
I guess what I'm saying is
Do you ever wonder what you're doing this exact second will have any influence on who you are 5, 10, 15, or 20 years from now? Hell maybe even tomorrow.
I'd like to think so.
But then again when the time actually comes you'll be too wrapped up in your life to look back and remember. Or put two and two together and say to yourself "fuck, if I didn't do this, than this would of never happened"
I don't know, I think about things like this way too much.
I swear if I had someone to write down every thought I have at times like this, people would think I'm fucking brilliant, either that or crazy, I guess it's the same thing. Every time I get a chance to write all this down it kinda loses something in the transfer.
I need sleep.
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Josh,
ReplyDeleteYou are exactly right. I won't tell you that I have had the same thoughts. I'm 35 years old. I am a publisher and when I was in college, I was in pre-MED and ready to be a doctor. Instead, I took an intro to philosophy class, changed my major and now have degrees in philosophy. Then, after wondering aimlessly in my early 20's something snapped and all the questions, all the doubts go away. You become almost defined in who you are. It's like all your hardwiring becomes set and you know what you want to do with your life, you know what you believe, what you don't believe, and you springboard off into your life and you begin to finally live. Albert Camus, an author and philosopher I really admire once said: "At 30 a man should know himself like the palm of his hand, know the exact number of his defects and qualities, know how far he can go, foretell his failures - be what he is. And, above all, accept these things." He was damn right! So, your 20s are supposed to be chaotic, unknown, everything is possible, just like everything that is going on in your head. Accept it, explore it, and see where it goes. If I didn't explore all the options, then I would have never even thought of becoming a publisher. As I always say: This is America, Jack. You can do anything and the great thing is...no one can tell you how or why you should do things. Everything is up to you! Cheers, Tim