one of my professors handed this out after we took our finals
I really like it, decided I'd share


"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their stories. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser people than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with your God, whatever you conceive him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep with your soul. With all that is sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy."

-Max Ehrmann

an addition to my last post

Yes, people can influence your decisions, but it's when you start letting them control your thoughts that problems arise.
Everyone has flaws, everyone has vices, and everyone thinks differently. From whatever president is in office, to whatever Bob Dylan is out protesting against them. Take advantage of that.

So in my sociology class I was called an 'unpatriotic cunt'
It basically started when we had to write a short paper explaining what we think the problem is behind our country (if we do think there is a problem) and all the social norms and morals that support this way of thinking.
Of course, my cynical self went to town on this and my basic thesis was that the majority of Americans are stupid, lazy, and dont think for themselves.
Which, sadly, is true. Examples including the military wife who called me an unpatriotic cunt.

The majority of people think that just because we're from this country and we're supposedly the greatest country on earth, we are allowed to do what the fuck ever we want and tell everyone else how it's done. We are close minded sociopaths who think we know it all and that everyone else is wrong. This includes everyone, from the bleeding heart liberals to the conservative republicans. We don't make our own decisions, we let someone else with a higher social status make them for us and just jump on the bandwagon and agree. For a country that is supposedly free and has endless opportunities to be different and make something of ourselves, we sure do like to conform to everyone else.
You don't need a mohawk to be punk rock, you don't need to wear neon and listen to 3Oh3 to be popular, you don't need to be poor because the rest of your family is, and you sure as hell dont need to think you're better than everyone else because your daddy is a doctor and drives a BMW.

Here's an idea, make your own opinion, no matter how outlandish or stupid it may seem to the public, it's your own thoughts and that should be the one thing society can't control. Yet we're letting this mass media and biased bullshit think for us because we're too lazy to think for ourselves. Don't argue that the media isn't biased either, everything is biased, from the obvious Fox News to Cnn, peoples opinions are going to be the front topic before any basis of fact. We're too caught up trying to live the 'American Dream' and make a lot of money and drive big cars and be respected. The truth is, no matter how important and inspirational you think you are, you're going to be hated. Stop trying to please everyone and make yourself happy. If being a Ceo of some big company and making loads of money makes you happy, then do it, it doesn't mean you're right and someone else is wrong, and if you wanna live off the land and go to Alaska and die in the back of some abandoned bus, that doesn't make you right either. Everything is based off of opinion. It'll always be like this, people need to accept it and live their own lives and stop worrying about everyone else.

Live for yourself and your loved ones, not to make your country proud or not because some god says it's the right thing to do. Be smart about it, not smart in societies way of looking at things, but smart in your own way.

Take all that you have
Burn it slowly just to stay warm
Please just shield your eyes
Save your baby blues

She held it in her arms
Like a lover she was missing
Laid down on the tracks
and the whistle blew

Her family broke apart
Sometime in that cold December
Mother lost her mind
When she heard the news

He drank himself to death
Stuck on all that she was missing
They found him on his back
When the whistle blew.

I can barely move
I can barely see where we're going now
The road is washed out from the river that flooded just north of town
We stick to the plan we laid out, but we know the saying
The best plans can go terribly wrong
And probably will, so please
Nobody speaks, nobody get any smart ideas
If we don't have any heroics we may just get out of here
And home to your families by dinner time safely and soundly sleeping
Cause we don't want trouble, we'll take what we came for and we'll leave quietly
Or maybe we will tear you up, take what you love, and burn it down.

Nobody moves, nobody moves and no one gets hurt
Nobody opens their mouth and we have nothing to worry about
We'll keep you alive cause we always need bargaining chips
For your lives, we will trade
Weighing the cost of the love you make
Make it again
Feeling the weight of the bones you break
Break them again.

You still can change.

If you wont accept anyone's pity
then you have no room to pity yourself.
You're a good kid.
Don't let it waste away.





Sometimes I wish I could take my own advice.

Josh Uncovers A Government Conspiracy.

Ok so maybe not a conspiracy, but something isn't right.
So on the bus today (this was all but an hour ago) it was way too crowded and a bit uncomfortable, so I decided to get off a few stops early and just walk to school. Upon doing this I passed the main Louisville library. Now about a month or so ago we had this "flood" if you live in Louisville you know about it, if you don't, well, it rained a lot, then the rain didn't go away, you know, the normal flood situation. Well the Library was one of the buildings affected.

One month or more later, the Library is still not fixed and up to 100%, yet everything else in Louisville is ok, even the buildings surrounding the Library, it's like nothing ever happened. Although this confused me a bit, I never really thought twice about it. Until today of course.

I was walking a long 4th street to school and saw a lot of construction workers standing around outside, one of them asked me for a smoke, I told him I didn't have any, then I asked what exactly they are doing to the Library. The guy looked and me and said honestly he doesn't know, the were assigned to cut out a bunch of metal from the building. Then he told me they started around 6 this morning and soon realized there was nothing wrong with the metal, the building is structurally fine, and that this whole operation is not even needed.

I was a bit amazed by this, but didn't think too much into it, until I was about a block away. We are in a recession, at least that is what the news is telling me, why use money we don't have to do something we don't need?

So, I'm at school now and decided to google this stuff. Turns out local governments (like our Louisville Metro) get grants from a higher office when doing reconstruction to buildings of importance, like our libraries, hospitals, police stations, and things of the sort. So to me, this sounds like just a way to get money.
The funny thing is, this is right around the time when we'll lose our beloved "mayor for life" because he is running as lieutenant governor in 2010.

Is it just me, or does this seem like some kind of scheme to raise money for his campaign coming up?

Maybe I'm looking to deep into this, but regardless something isn't right, when the library is probably the only building from the flood still having constant construction to it, when it wasn't even in a highly flooded area to begin with. Granted books may have gotten wet, and the carpet may need replacement, but no other building that I know of, or can find on handy dandy google, even had that bad of structural damage. Something just seems off here.

I need to go to class.

Moving parking cones into the middle of the street and watching all the unhappy motorist cuss and turn their cars around is a very fun way to spend a Tuesday night.

I've always been afraid of being close to people
Now I'm afraid of never being close with anyone.

I've been working on that a lot lately
It's coming along quite nicely.

I'm way too exhausted to be at school right now

I have roughly half an hour until my next class, then a nice hour and a half break until my last class that I'll probably spend napping in whatever comfy corner I can find.
That is, unless this Amp energy drink does what it's supposed to, fingers are crossed.

Anyway, lately a lot of stuff has happened. First of all I got one of these fancy ass netbooks, pretty nice buy I must say. Then last Thursday when I awoke my roommate was talking about this dog she saw at the pound (why she went to the pound in the first place is not yet clear to me, but whatever) Long story short, we ended up coming home with a 9 year old beagle/border collie mix named Trapper. He was going to be euthanized (sp?) so our little bleeding hearts refused to see that happen. He is seriously the smartest dog I have owned (which isn't saying much, the two dogs I had growing up were about as smart as my left shoe) It's nice having him around, he's great company. Pets are so nice, they give you unconditional love and ask for so little in return. It hasn't even been a week since we brought him home and he's already adjusted well, become loyal and loving, and thankfully hasn't relieved himself anywhere in the house (knock on wood)

That really has no relevance to anything important, it's just nice to talk about.

I had a dream last night that the Cubs won the World Series, irrelevant as well, but still nice to talk about.

My next class starts soon, it's Inter-personnel Communications. Which frankly is a sad excuse for a class. It's like a over-sized group therapy session, except there's no personal progress made at all. The teacher is obviously a raging alcoholic in denial, and after every thing she says she asks, in this annoying high pitched voice voice, "So how does that make YOU feel"
To be honest it makes me feel like running her over with a bus, but sadly that wont get me college credit. I swear to god if it did, I'd have a Ph.D in it by now, and would have better things to worry about than the however many steps there is to one-on-one conversation.
Goddammit.

I'm really upset with myself for not writing as much during the summer. Not that college is hard (I mean, Bush DID graduate from Yale) it's just time consuming, and I find that there is little time to write anything for my own peace of mind. I'm now apart of this writers group type thing. "The Underground Writers Guild." We meet about once a week and just workshop and do random writing exercises. I've only been to one meeting so far, but hopefully it'll be a nice little outlet.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pee.

5:54am

First of all, this whole health care reform crap that's been a big debate has really began to get on my nerves.
The simple fact is, Americans are greedy
We're going to eat what we want, smoke what we want, drink what we want, and fuck what we want, then we're going to expect to have the government pay the bills when the consequences set in.
Here's an idea, quit being goddamn morons, that'll solve about 99.9% of this country's problems.

Stop listening to what whichever celebrity is in the spotlight and form your own opinions
Actually put some thought into what you're doing.
If you fuck up, take the blame, seriously, other people will see your mistakes and learn from them.
You can blame anyone you want, it's not going to change anything.

Oh, and if you want to solve the other .1%
Make it mandatory for Taco Bell's to be open 24/7
It'll stimulate the economy AND help my constant cravings for a 6am chicken quesadilla


I should run for president.









I'll post something worth reading soon. Maybe tomorrow between classes.
I have a lot to say, but when I actually have the time to post something I seem to lose it all.
But now that I have this handy-dandy netbook (not to be confused with a 'handy-dandy notebook') it should make getting my thoughts in physical form a lot easier.

Goodnight

I don't want to be known for what I do
I want to be known for how I think.

Is that weird?
It's weird to me.
Because in this society that's nearly impossible.
Scratch that, it is impossible.
So I guess it's stupid of me to think like that.
It's impossible to know how another person thinks, your thoughts are reflected through your actions.
So forget I said that, let's start over.


People are selfish, I'm not saying that as an insult, or to bitch and whine.
I'm saying it as a fact.
I'm selfish, I know this, I don't mind it, so I could care less about who does.
Everyone has motives beyond the obvious.
It's all about how deep you have to dig to find those motives.
But the fact is, no one does anything without taking some benefit for themselves.
The thing that confuses me is that we are social beings.
We cannot live without each other, we are dependent on one another for almost everything.
From our basic needs, to whatever else we do that consumes our time.
Without the influence of another person it cannot be done.


But how can we be so goddamn selfish, yet so dependent on one another?

I think something dark is living down in my heart.

It's roughly 5 o'clock in the AM.
August 6th, 2009.
I'm wide awake, my hands are shaky for no apparent reason, and I kinda have this feeling like something has bottomed out into my stomach. Whatever it is, it's just sitting there, constricting my ability to get any sleep whatsoever.

I just want to say, it's heartbreaking to know when things have to change. Even if the change is in your best interest, it just sucks to turn the page and start the next chapter. It's a confusing and vulnerable time. At first you don't know what to do, shortly thereafter you find everything settling into place, things become easier. Before you know it, it's that time again. You start the same cycle over again.

Life is weird eh?
It'll really keep you up at night sometimes.


I'm going to Kings Island this weekend.
Then I have the week off of work, where I will be crossing one of my life goals off the list I have accumulated over the years.

I'll be seeing blink-182.
You don't know how goddamn awesome it makes me feel to say that.

Boys will be boys
but girls have those eyes.
I swear to god they'll cut you to ribbons sometimes.

There's a world awake outside
with injustice and music and July
with history's arc,
with your family,
with art.
but it don't mean nothing
not to you, not tonight

you can't see past the length of your nose
the biggest problems, well you're sure they're your own
that girl you cut loose
those two friends that cursed you
and all that powder that you can't leave alone
and you say you know
but i know that you don't
cause if you did, you'd really try
if you did, you'd really try to let all that die

so marry yourself to your work
and crowd your confusion with words
then round out your life with some records you like
while you bury your love in the dirt
cause it's endless, the ditch you can dig
you're stubborn, and you're prideful,
and you're all over it
so I suggest you make sense of the time you've got left
so you don't end up back where you've been
back with your black hole
where you don't care who's out there or who knows
cause you're spent and you're sad
cause you've bronzed it, it's your badge
and you've fixed it to all your clothes
every t-shirt and overcoat
so it's with you through hot or cold
but I would tear it from the cloth
grow up and knock it the fuck off

You say you wanna be free
But you don't know from what
She looked you straight in the eye
and said "you gave away love"
And now you're looking for an answer
to the questions you never knew
And in the back of your mind
You hope that love is still waiting for you.


But wake up
Cause you're not done
You could fix yourself up, kid
And you could learn how to love
Someone besides yourself for once...

You finish another bottle
in the backseat of her old car
and you're trying fight off sleep
trying to fight off the oncoming dark
cause when you go to sleep
You just dream of that little girl
staring at you from her front porch
her wide eyes are just like yours
then you awake the next day,
barely sober and looking for truth
just to realize you're still in the backseat
telling yourself this isn't like you.




Just wake up
You're not done
You could fix yourself up, kid
You could learn how to love.

I've been posting a lot lately, I know.

I don't know what it is
But I'm excited
for what, I don't know.
I keep re-discovering myself with every word I write
every book I read
every person I meet.

Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling of loneliness
Then I remember it's all in my head.
It keeps me up at night sometimes
but it gives me more time to think, to get things done.

I'm about to go on a walk to Broadway to see Mansions and John Nolan
Kind of a spur of the moment thing
A month ago I would of rather sat here by myself
But I'm feeling this urge to get out and be social more and more.
Maybe it's just a phase, maybe it's a pattern?
Whatever it is, I like it.

You wouldn't read a book if it wasn't interesting

So I don't feel the need to talk to people who bore the hell out of me.
Does that make me an asshole?
Probably.

Anyway, that really has nothing to do with the content on this blog. To be honest I don't really have any content to this blog, so if I end up rambling back to that, feel free to exit the page and go about your myspace/facebook/twitter/porn or whatever else you guys do on the internet.
I won't be offended, pinky promise.

My cat is sitting on my pillow next to me, glaring at me. I do believe he's a bit mad. I've had some people stay at my house for awhile now until their lease went through for a new apartment. Their names are irrelevant to anyone who doesn't actually know the situation. They are moving out today and yesterday they brought over a small dog and another kitten to stay the night. My kitten wasn't having it and I'm pretty sure he's jealous as fuck. It's kinda funny though, how a human emotion can flow through an animal and it's cute, yet when a person is feeling the same emotion it's a bad thing.

That really has nothing to do with anything either. I just really feel like writing, but I'm not in a productive mood, so the couple of short stories I'm working on or the notebook filled with unfinished lyrics will have to wait until another day. So I'm just going to write down whatever random thought pops in my head.

The fucking All Star game yesterday was awesome. Did you see that catch in center field? Carl Crawford is a beast of a left fielder. Everytime I watch a baseball game I slip into this mode where I absolutely hate myself for ever quitting. That's life though. Everybody would be something else if they knew what could happen ahead of time.

I really want to travel, I need to get out of this state soon. Nothing against Louisville, it's a great place to live, but hell I want to see something different. We're going to Chicago (and maybe Florida) in August. I'm very excited for this. Not only am I seeing the band that has been my favorite since I was 8 years old, on their big ass reunion tour, but I get to see a great city that I've always wanted too. Not to mention the road trip there, something about the open highway seems more like home than where I am now, sitting in my bed with a re-run of Seinfeld going unnoticed on the television.

I'm going to stop this blog of nothing before I spend all day writing about something no one cares about. I have a show at Derby City Expresso this weekend, and hopefully I'll be hanging out with a new friend as well.
Looks like a good weekend ahead, now to just get through the remainder of the week at work. Which has become a bit more fun because of me and Tim's mini baseball game we play with 20 ounce bottles and a wadded up piece of paper.
You gotta have some entertainment in that place.



later
-Josh

You get back here, you do it slowly
Do it calm now, don't be so angry
I got something I've been chasing
Every day since I started walking
It just sits there in the distance
and it always flirts with the tips of my fingers

You thought that you could love it
Until it touched you
And now you just wanna stop it
Well I'm sorry it's not likely
It was here when you got here
And it'll be here when you're not here no more

But then some days
I get lucky, I can focus and things are less shaky
And I scrape you off the pale moon
And I slip you into soft shoes
And you tapdance to a jazz band
On a cruise ship near an island
and your hair's up, you wear a short dress
And a wide smile, your movements are careless

It's a daydream I keep having
To make the clocks move while I'm working
Or a bad joke I can't sit through
And I smile because I feel like I have to

But if you'd look under the table
You'd see I'm playing with my knife
I'm slicing stripes into my kneecaps
And I'm struggling just to come off polite

We could be a snapshot framed and hung like a portrait
What if that's true and I'm the only one who knows it?

Deli markets with their flower stands
Pretty girls and the burning men
Hanging out on the hooks next to the window displays
And I took out my tongue twice removed from my face
Across a bridge and across the mountains
Threw a nickel in the fountain
To save my soul from all these troubled times
And all the drugs that I don't have the guts to take to soothe my mind
so I'm always sober
Always aching,
always heading towards occult figurines
And wasted gas-station attendants
Attending to their jobs
And a nice drive in the country
Finds a nice cliff to drop off
Oh when this life just gets so grating
All the grittiness of life
But don't take those pills your boyfriend gave you
You're too wonderful to die

And the last one tore a picture
From the pornographic page
But all the pleasure points attacking
All the looks of love were staged
And its a lie that you've been giving
It just hurts you everyday
So why should I lay here alone
When its just too far away
From anything we could call love
Any love worth living for
So I'll sleep out in the gutter
You can sleep here on the floor
And when I wake up in the morning
I won't forget to lock the door
Because with a match that's mean and some gasoline
You won't see me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm more alone in my head than I am in real life.

A rant to someone who wont read it.

(I really wasn't intending on making my return to this site a bitch/rant fest.
But I really just to to vent.
So, here we go...)

So tonight at work, after an unwanted (on my part) talk about religion. I was told that "it's a shame" I don't believe in anything

Really? A shame?
The definition of shame (thanks to dictionary.com) is as follows:

the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.


So me having an opinion is dishonorable, improper, and ridiculous?
I didn't try to say you were wrong, or persuade you to think like me.
I just stated what I thought, and tried to drop the subject.

You thinking your opinion is better than mine is dishonorable to me, aren't you bible thumpers supposed to 'love thy neighbor as thyself?' and don't you believe everyone is one of 'god's children' or some other crap like that?
If all you people follow the bible the way you say you do, you wouldn't think you're better than everyone else. You wouldn't feel superior to those who don't believe.

If everyone thought the way you did, then we, as a society, would not of made it this far.
It was the thinkers that changed the world, not the people who blindly followed what someone else has written down.
So if anything,
It's a shame you cant accept that someone has a difference of opinion.
Don't be so goddamn close minded.

An explaination of sorts.

I haven't been on lately because my computer is dead. Yes, again.
I've been using my roommates computer lately until I can figure out whats wrong with mine (I think I have it about fixed) it just feels weird typing my thoughts on someone else's computer.
So I haven't been writing a lot lately, which has really been getting to me, I'm not going to post anything important or interesting in here today, to be honest I have a lot to say, but not a lot of time to put it all down, since I am limited on my computer usage.

I have had an interesting time away from this blog, and although I can't get my thoughts together at this time to write about a certain thing, I just felt weird going awhile without writing in this. I don't know how many people read this thing as it is, to be honest I wouldn't care if it was 1 person or 100 people, but just to let you know I'm still here.

So I guess I'll put something more interesting here soon.

Thanks
-Josh

I've decided

I want to be an English teacher.









yeah that's it.


later.

All Of Everything, Erased.

this is the window where
i watched the future start
my pupils dilated
the shock sped up my arms
i shut my ambushed eyes
and turned my face towards the heat

i felt the city choke
i heard the world at war
i prayed for providence
god said, "don't pray no more
you went and made your mess
now keep your blame off my feet"

so i got off my knees
i faced the devil's day
the sky was murder red
the streets were headstone gray
a flaming ferris wheel
spun where the sun used to be

i watched its buckets dip and dance
i saw a couple making love lock hands
they were pushing for abandon and the answers it could bring
90 million miles from the graveyard growing over everything

i saw my lover chased
through fields of sugarcane
she clutched her belly close
and whispered, "keep us safe"
they ground her down to dust
no more miracles today

i dreamt myself awake
in a resort hotel
above a golden coast
beside my Southern belle
we heard the sea reborn
in each singing shell

and every coughing car
and every coiled snake
and every shrieking star
and every burning stake
dissolved to atmosphere
all of everything, erased

i spread into a distant hum
i droned along with everyone
and the earth grew green and nursed herself to what she used to be
all our senseless shouting calmed to quiet in her ancient memory

and oh!, what a joy,
to be free.

Hey kid, looking for god? Then stay away from the church

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use"- Galileo Galilei









There is not enough love and kindness in the world to give any of it away to imaginary beings.
I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.

4/24/2009

I need to leave for work in about 5 minutes.
I just really felt the need to type up a blog, I haven't in so long.
Barely even had access to a computer.

I moved out, now live in Old Louisville right off the UofL campus.
I love it down here, other than the occasional bum asking for change or a cigarette, it's really nice.
I've been looking for a second job, but keep coming back home empty handed.
I don't really need a second job to live, but it'll make living a hell of a lot easier.
Especially this month, money is tight, it just takes some getting use to, my new budget that is.
I'm sure things will settle down soon.

I've noticed inspiration sometimes comes in strange ways, and it's been coming to me more and more often lately.
I signed up for college, and start in August. I have orientation soon, other than that all I have to do is schedule my classes. I'm proud of myself.

It's nice to finally feel like things are falling into place, but sometimes I still have this uneasy feeling in my stomach, it's a little different each time, sometimes even completely unrelated to the prior incident.

Dammit, I should of already left for work.
Show tomorrow, then coming back home to celebrate whatever there will be to celebrate.

Georgia.

This is probably one of the most personal songs I've written.
It's also the first, in a long time, that I've written it entirely (music and all) in one sitting.
It's short, simple, and acoustic.




I am the push that helps you leave
The sad excuse for the hole in your sleeve
Where your broken heart use to stay

I am the page in a book filled with memories you'd like to keep
The sips you stole from your mother's wine to help you fall asleep
The note you wrote to a friend to show that you still care
and proof that every open door doesn't have to lead anywhere

You don't know who you are
You don't know where to go
But as long as you remember where you've been
I think you'll be alright

I'm the pillow still wet from your daughter's tears
Your awkward goodbye and irrational fears
Of failure and being left behind
I am the new life you hope you'll find.

You don't know who you are
You don't know where to go
But as long as you remember where you've been
I think you'll be alright
God, I hope you'll be alright.

and you're the note I wait to read
To show that you still care

Let's sweep up the fucking streets

“Yeah, I slam them every night because in no way, shape or form do I back anything they do or say and I am embarrassed that kids these days are into it and am sad that kids these days are exposed to it. There is absolutely no substance whatsoever in their songs and no passion in anything they do. It is the musical equivalent of a snow cone, bland tasting frozen tap water loaded with sugar, yet colorful, that will give you a brain freeze, melt all over your hands leaving yourself dissatisfied and sticky. They seem like pretty harmless guys but if I don’t voice my opinion on what I think about Brokencyde then I have no right to ever speak up about any other injustices to the music scene in the future. There are only going to be more Brokencydes in the coming months with Millionaires, Breath Carolina and countless other mindless white suburban hip-hop “acts” popping up. I never thought Id say this but this new wave of horse shit makes me look back and not hate Atom and His Package because at least he was original. I know I am not going to change anything, there will still be 14 year old girls that like their colorful merch and there terrible club beats but if I can make one person at least question the authenticity and integrity of singing the words “let’s get freaky now, let’s get fucking freaky now” then I think it is well worth the effort.”

-Buddy from Senses Fail on his current tour mates BrokeNCYDE

I've been waiting for something like this to happen.
Here's to hoping this shitty trend ends soon.

Do your part to save the scene, stop listening to shitty music.

It's messed up

Out of every human emotion there is
Fear is the one that always fucks everything up.


I need a vacation, I wish it would of happened

What a pity that it is.

What a pity that it is
The way to come back home
I tried to make a point
To sell the last of what I own
Well I can feel your breeze
Begin to choke my living soul
But I promise that its worth it

What a pity that it is
To write you in a song
I tried to make the words
become a kingdom to your soul
No matter how I try
its just a lyric nothing more
And it cant be worth it

What a pity that it is
To know that you're alone
I tried to clean your place up
and make it feel like you were home
No matter how I tried,
still the house won't save you now
And I'm not really worth it

Dont Tread On Me

I found myself again.
I was at a punk rock show, right where I had left me.

March 9th, 2009

I've been anxious lately.
I think it's mostly to just get through this part of my life and move on to the next
Although I don't know what that is, or what that'll be.
I use to be so afraid of growing up, and about losing those close to me because of it.
Now that I finally have friends that, without any doubts, I know will still be there no matter what, I find myself happy about it. I'm excited to see what's in store and what opportunities I'll have and what I'll end up doing.
No matter what I keep falling back to music. I can't possibly see my self happy doing anything else.

A couple nights ago I kinda had an anxiety induced breakdown, took my mom's car (considering mine doesn't have a radio) and just drove. I ended up quite far from home, and lost. I got pulled over in some little town south of Louisville for speeding. Although the cop was really nice and I explained to him that I was lost and just really nervous because I couldn't find an open gas station and was running out of gas. He didn't give me a ticket or anything and ended up showing me the nearest open gas station where he joined me for a cup of coffee. He was a nice guy, I'm usually intimidated by police, but he reminded me that a cop is just another guy, working another job to make ends meet. It was nice of him, and I really appreciate it.
I finally got back home around 6 am. All in all, the open road was nice, almost relieving.

My mom is in the hospital again, which is why I was able to take her car in the first place. She's having the same surgery she has had in the past, the doctors messed up the first one and now she's suing for malpractice. She seems to get worse with each surgery. Hopefully this one will work out, I'm worried about her.

Anyways for something a bit more positive, I'm leaving for Florida Sunday night, after the Taste Of Chaos tour we're playing. I'm really stoked on it. It'll be a nice escape for awhile, because when I get back I'll have to crack down on this financial situation I've found myself in. It's nothing too bad, I just gotta get it fixed before I can move on. I've found it a lot less stressful if I just take everything in stride, not to get too many things mixed up and do way too much at once. After that I want to start college again, fuck I miss it. It's weird how it's been almost two years since I've been in high school and I feel smarter now and more prepared then when I first graduated, even after the two years of no school. I've always heard people say to go into college right after high school because you'll just end up losing interest in it and not go, with me it's the opposite.

Well I'm done rambling now.
I'm sure I'll post pictures and videos and random stories from Florida here.
It'll be a fun time.


later

Another Bag Of Bones

It's a brushfire spreading, feeding as it moves
It's a disappeared glacier; it's the airborne flu
It's your disbelieving eyes logging concrete miles
It's your yawning conscience and your lawyer's smile
It's an occupied country foaming at the mouth
No smoking gun, no mushroom cloud
It's a military mother with a boy in hell
And it's a flag-draped casket down an oil well
It's an Argentine school-girl gagged and bound
It's a torture camp; it's a long way down
It's the constant bracing shock of now
And it's the whole damn world turned inside out, alright

It's a march to extinction with your god in step
It's his name in your mouth; it's his cross on your neck
It's a farm boy sprinting over desert dirt
And he's panting the 'Our Father' in staccato spurts
Now that's his automatic rifle and it tells no lies
It's his truth in your stomach, it's no alibi
But the trouble lies on the other side
With an equal truth prepping for his holy night
He sees the crescent and the star blink in the virgin sky
And hears the call of milk and honey from the afterlife
And as he eases to the checkpoint, he is calm and sure
It's collateral damage; it's the cost of war
It's another bag of bones for the Gods to sort
It's just another bag of bones for the Gods to sort

Well it's a species disappearing, all the birds fly south
In a January heatwave, in a pulsing crowd
It's an African Militia, kids with sub-machines
It's a conflict diamond on your bride-to-be
It's the dispossessed lining up at every gate
It's the facts worth facing, faced way too late
It's the mission of modernity, go get what's yours
Til there's nothing leftover to go get no more
And it's not what we're owed, but it's what we've earned
And it's closer than we realize, and it's time now to burn

And oh it's time now to burn







-Kevin Devine says it all.

The Boat Dreams From The Hill

This blog is about regret.




"Live life with no regrets," I use to say that all the time. It's funny how much of a hypocrite I was. It's impossible to live life without regrets, you see, regret is a feeling. To live life without it means about as much as saying "live life without being sad." It's impossible. Something will happen that will inevitably make you sad. The same as something will happen that you'll inevitably regret. I have come to realize I regret a lot of things in my life, but the thing is I've learned and gotten past most.
I've tried so hard to be optimistic lately but it's failing. I have so fucking many ideas I want to put into motion but at this point I'm not capable of doing. So I wait, and my patience runs thin.
I've accustomed my self to being a loner. My whole life I've pretty much said "I'll do this by myself, I don't need your help." It's my stubbornness. That is my biggest regret. Now I realize more and more everyday that all my dreams and aspirations in life cannot be accomplished without the help of others.

hahaha, you guys just need to watch this.

Louis C.K.





enjoy
-josh

Oh, the thoughts of the restless mind.

Well. I've had these random thoughts going through my head for... I guess awhile now.
My restless mind depriving me of sleep.
I can't help but wonder, what am I going to be like in 10 years?
I mean fuck, I'll be about to turn 30.
Will I be married?
Will I have a career?
Will I have accomplished any of the dreams and goals I have now?
Or will they be pushed aside for something new?
Will I have traveled as much as I want to?
Or will I still be stuck in this place?
I feel stupid wondering all this but I can't help it.
I even think about how I'll look back on the person I am now.
Will I think to myself "damn was I stupid"?
Will I regret things I've done?
Or will they ultimately make me a better, happier person?
Who the hell will I be?

You know what kills me the most?
The fact that I consciously know that no matter how many sleepless nights I have,
No matter how much I think, wonder, or try to figure all this out,
It's completely impossible for me to know until that day comes.
Yet, here I am.

God, I piss me off sometimes.
Does anyone else ever think like this?
But in reality, if you do, don't tell me.
I like thinking I'm the only one like this.
But does that make me selfish?
Cause I fucking hate selfish people.
I guess if it does, that also makes me a hypocrite.
Which sucks, cause I hate hypocrites as well.
Is that hypocritical of me?
Fuck I'm confusing myself.



Maybe I'll take all these random thoughts and scenarios that flow through my head and write a book or something one day.
In grade school I always wanted to be a writer, part of me still does
I have all these ideas, but never have the patience. Maybe in a few years I will find it?
I think it's funny when those Army commercials come on and ask "if your life was a movie, would anyone watch it?" or something like that.
I wouldn't want my life to be a movie, it's too cliche. Movies don't have the depth, most are purely for entertainment. I want my life to be a book. But not one of those shitty books that get made into a movie. Like one of those books you are forced to read in High School and hate (because honestly, no one likes being forced to do anything in High School) but then for some reason you end up reading it again in college or something and decide to pay more attention to it. Then it ends up changing your life.

Yeah, maybe in 10 years I'll be a writer?
I mean, I guess technically I'm a writer now.
I'm writing right now aren't I?
I write constantly, be it lyrics, poems, stories, or just stupid thoughts like this.
I guess 'technically' I can't be a writer, I don't get paid for it
Then again, I'd like to consider myself a musician, I don't get paid for that shit.
In a way isn't being a writer and musician one in the same?
At least for the majority of the stuff I listen to.
What appeals to me as a good song isn't how cool the guitar sounds or how catchy it is.
It's more about what it's telling you.
I guess that's what drove me to this whole punk rock thing.
It's not so much what you're doing, it's more what you're saying.
I like it that way.

It's funny, the majority of the time I hear people I look up to say "it's all about the music"
They're lying.
It's not about the music, it's about getting your point or story across.
It just so happens your point or story has been put to music.
Or maybe I'm wrong, and that's just me?
If that's true I don't know why they even say that, I guess that's just what people want to hear?
Maybe it makes them seem cooler, and if that's true I guess all anyone really is trying to do is to make people like them?
I don't know.
I don't really know what I'm thinking right now.

I guess what I'm saying is
Do you ever wonder what you're doing this exact second will have any influence on who you are 5, 10, 15, or 20 years from now? Hell maybe even tomorrow.
I'd like to think so.
But then again when the time actually comes you'll be too wrapped up in your life to look back and remember. Or put two and two together and say to yourself "fuck, if I didn't do this, than this would of never happened"

I don't know, I think about things like this way too much.
I swear if I had someone to write down every thought I have at times like this, people would think I'm fucking brilliant, either that or crazy, I guess it's the same thing. Every time I get a chance to write all this down it kinda loses something in the transfer.


I need sleep.

In fucking fact...

Nobody knows everything
We know this to be true
Everything is difficult
Except what's in front of you
But it's complicated even under your nose
Bullshit math equations
And your highs as your lows
And your manic depression
It comes and it goes
Your parasympathetic nervous system reacts
And you're in fight-or-flight mode

How's the world so small when the world is so large?
And what made the world, could I please speak to who's in charge?
Everything is real but it's also just as fake
From your daughter's birthday party to your grandmother's wake
And your bi-polar illness, it comes and it goes
You parasympathetic nervous system reacts
And you're in fight or flight mode

I've tried to know which words to sing so many times
And I've tried to know which chords to play
And I've tried to make it rhyme
And I've tried to find the key that all good songs are in
And I've tried to find the notes to make that great resounding din

But there's a bad man in everyone
No matter who we are
There's a rapist and a Nazi living in our tiny hearts
Child pornographers and cannibals, and politicians too
There's someone in your head waiting to fucking strangle you

So here's to you, Mrs. Robinson
People love you more, oh nevermind,
In fucking fact, Mrs. Robinson
The world won't care whether you live or die,
In fucking fact, Mrs. Robinson,
They probably hate to see your stupid face,

So here's to you, Mrs. Robinson,
You live in an unforgiving place.