I don't want to be known for what I do
I want to be known for how I think.

Is that weird?
It's weird to me.
Because in this society that's nearly impossible.
Scratch that, it is impossible.
So I guess it's stupid of me to think like that.
It's impossible to know how another person thinks, your thoughts are reflected through your actions.
So forget I said that, let's start over.


People are selfish, I'm not saying that as an insult, or to bitch and whine.
I'm saying it as a fact.
I'm selfish, I know this, I don't mind it, so I could care less about who does.
Everyone has motives beyond the obvious.
It's all about how deep you have to dig to find those motives.
But the fact is, no one does anything without taking some benefit for themselves.
The thing that confuses me is that we are social beings.
We cannot live without each other, we are dependent on one another for almost everything.
From our basic needs, to whatever else we do that consumes our time.
Without the influence of another person it cannot be done.


But how can we be so goddamn selfish, yet so dependent on one another?

I think something dark is living down in my heart.

It's roughly 5 o'clock in the AM.
August 6th, 2009.
I'm wide awake, my hands are shaky for no apparent reason, and I kinda have this feeling like something has bottomed out into my stomach. Whatever it is, it's just sitting there, constricting my ability to get any sleep whatsoever.

I just want to say, it's heartbreaking to know when things have to change. Even if the change is in your best interest, it just sucks to turn the page and start the next chapter. It's a confusing and vulnerable time. At first you don't know what to do, shortly thereafter you find everything settling into place, things become easier. Before you know it, it's that time again. You start the same cycle over again.

Life is weird eh?
It'll really keep you up at night sometimes.


I'm going to Kings Island this weekend.
Then I have the week off of work, where I will be crossing one of my life goals off the list I have accumulated over the years.

I'll be seeing blink-182.
You don't know how goddamn awesome it makes me feel to say that.

Boys will be boys
but girls have those eyes.
I swear to god they'll cut you to ribbons sometimes.

There's a world awake outside
with injustice and music and July
with history's arc,
with your family,
with art.
but it don't mean nothing
not to you, not tonight

you can't see past the length of your nose
the biggest problems, well you're sure they're your own
that girl you cut loose
those two friends that cursed you
and all that powder that you can't leave alone
and you say you know
but i know that you don't
cause if you did, you'd really try
if you did, you'd really try to let all that die

so marry yourself to your work
and crowd your confusion with words
then round out your life with some records you like
while you bury your love in the dirt
cause it's endless, the ditch you can dig
you're stubborn, and you're prideful,
and you're all over it
so I suggest you make sense of the time you've got left
so you don't end up back where you've been
back with your black hole
where you don't care who's out there or who knows
cause you're spent and you're sad
cause you've bronzed it, it's your badge
and you've fixed it to all your clothes
every t-shirt and overcoat
so it's with you through hot or cold
but I would tear it from the cloth
grow up and knock it the fuck off